It's a New Day

It has been a looong time since I've updated on here, which means I forgot my password...The last few months have been so busy! Before the holidays I left they city and went to upstate NY to stay with family, Although I missed the city I was excited about getting a car and starting this "suburban" life...I officially am living in Arizona now and it's so beautiful, after a very long car ride to get here, I must say it was great to see the rest of America. Being a native new yorker that was living in the city we can become a bit biased on the rest of the country not being as great as the greatest city in the country (at least in my opinion), but the rest of America is very beautiful, and now my new home is even more so!
I always have been known to beat the odds out there in many areas of my life, people always tell me that it can't happen or I shouldn't do something, but I do, and always have succeeded. But, I guess when people tell you that you cannot do something you either don't do it and always regret what may have happened or you do it and prove everyone wrong, which I love doing just to prove yourself and teach them not to be so negative about achieving your goals in life.

Well, for now I will stop, and soon come back and throw words out into cyberspace...

Fall in the Desert

I am looking forward to moving out of NY to Arizona, it a big way.. but the closer it's gets I start thinking about the things I'll miss. Although NY is home, and everyone I know is here, I know I will always be able to come back, but I keep thinking that when I'm living there[arizona] in the Fall and winter, I'm going to be the crazy NY girl who turns her AC on high and curl up in sweats and a comforter just to feel at home. I will miss the northeast when the leaves change and the air is crisp, and the first snowfall, wearing sweaters, hot coffee, cider, etc. But, when it's out of my system I can put on my bikini head down to the pool for some perfect 85 degree sunny weather and have the locals think I'm crazy again because 85 is cold to their comparable 105 the rest of the year :).

misplaced

Every feel like you should be at another stage of life, of your career? Since I recently graduated with my masters degree, I feel like I have the knowledge and experience to be at a further stage of my career, but feel so stuck as I search for jobs. I know I can be inpatient and it takes years for people to climb the career ladder, but it's frustrating when you know you can be doing so much more and just can't get there.

The Not-So-Perfect Life

I have been a perfectionist all of my life. I think at times it is a good quality to have, because I strive to be the best I can be at everything that I do. But, lately I have been thinking about it, and I'm seeing that it's more than just a good quality, it something that is a facade put up because of something deeper inside of me. It's being afraid of failing, afraid of failing those closest around me, failing and not being able to recuperate from it. Afraid of just not being great at everything.
Realizing all of this, I am working on being ok, at not being great at everything. It's ok to be at fault, and fail, and then learn from it. That's all you can do. When you learn from it you become a better person, instead of hiding from your imperfections of trying to be perfect.

Fear

I think, at least, one time in our lives we doubt the decisions and choices we've made, and we are scared of what the future holds. For instance, who we will marry, and once you find that person, having that trust in them, and hoping and praying that everyday that they will continue to love you and grow old with you.

All I can say is that in the moments when we have to make the tough decisions, even little ones that will influence greater ones, we have to do our best. Always, striving to do our best. When we strive to do our best, even when we're at our worst is when we cannot have any regrets about what we did choose.

Home is where the Heart is?

Orignally from upstate NY, I moved to the city after I graduated from college. I had high hopes and dreams moving to the 'big city'

and going for my master degree. Everyday I would wake up and be so excited at the possibility of anything happening today! Living in the city, there are so many people, who are all so different, one after the other. The endless possibilities of anything happening on any given day were limitless. I enjoyed meeting new people, going to my new classes, new professors, new things to learn, being unfamiliar with everything around me. When anyone starts a new part of their life everything is new and fresh and exciting.

I've lived in several different apartments over the years having several different sets of roomates. All with their own individuality, which creates a different feel and environment on its own. The four months I was able to live alone was in a nice little studio apt. But, it came with its own issues. I lived under the train, the heat would come on in the summer, and in the winter I had to leave my AC on because, well, the heat was still on. Then I discovered that there was a little mouse that moved in and I didn't have the heart to try and kill it, so we just learned to live with one another. You're probably thinking that I'm an idiot for not killing it or getting rid of it somehow.

Anyways, back to the many roomates I've had. So the one apartment I loved in was very cozy, the roomates were all very respectful, it was quiet. I like quiet when I'm home. The Second apartment was with a friend, and her friend, so it was interesting. The new girl and I got along great, she is a very passionate person, opera, art, philosophy, very cultured, I loved talking to her, while I drank my coffee. However the bad part of this apt. was that the walls were paper thin, so if it wasn't building noise, it was street noise. I lived here for a year and a half and I think I only slept 4 whole nights. I'm not joking.

Two examples. The one day we had guys in flannel shirts (looking ver normal, construction worker) knocking on our window (first floor apts are never good, except when moving in or out) as they were knocking I looked at the clock. 6:30am. So we went out, to see who they were, what they wanted, etc. They were undercover cops coming to arrest the guy selling heroin out of the apt above us. I thought this was a nice neighborhood?? Second example, I was leaving for miami to go on vacation the next day, when I was awoken at 5am to someone trying to open our door. My roomate was home in Long Island and the other one was fast asleep. As this person tried to push the door and wiggle the doorknob I waited not sure what do, then the person stumbled up stairs, I realized it was a drunk neighbor.

Overall I loved living with these girls, and enjoying the New York life that I had made for myself.

Currently, my life has changed, I left my comfortable job, for very great reasons. Moved to Queens, in a quiet neighborhood, finishing (FINALLY) my masters degree, and living with two girls from Louisana. Who have a different culture and way of living than us "yankees' ...This apt and area are very nice, but for some reason has never felt like home.

This summer I started going home a lot to see my family, I was beginning to think that the 2 years I worked 50 hours a week and went to class most nights was catching up to me. burnout. As this all started unraveling I hit bottom, getting a bad case of senioritis, too tired to care, having an apt that didn't feel like home, realizing that all of the people I cared most about didn't live in NY, and the few that are here, are very busy. All of this makes for a good case of is home where your heart is? My heart is with my family back upstate, and my heart with someone else who I started dating in another state. The distance of a relationship that, I must state, very worth the wait, is also very difficult. So everyday I wish I were with him, or home with my family.

What's the cure for homesickness when you can't leave the place your in? and you're home is well, in someways, in two places.

Never Sleeps

How are you supposed to find sleep in a city that supposedly never sleeps? No wonder New Yorkers are so tired all the time, little sleep and the constant buzz creates a restlessness. Always hearing a neighbor through the wall, or a roomate, family member, sirens that are a constant in the city. Its hard to find rest.

Occasionally you can find solace, early in the morning (absent rushhour), in the middle of the night or on a sunday morning when having your first cup of coffee that day, the whole world seems to still be asleep.

I'm hoping that one day I will wake up and realize that life is more peaceful in such a busy world.

Or just keep enjoying those early morning cups of coffee.